I’ve wanted to give up so many times..

It’s no fun when your mind is your worst enemy. Sucks when you not only have depression, but anxiety as well. “Depression is not caring at all. Anxiety is caring too much. And having both, is a living hell” . It sucks.. It fucking sucks.

They both make you feel so low. So pointless. Makes you wonder why your still even here at times. This past week I’ve thought about suicide more often than not. My chest was so heavy I just wanted it to cave in.. but it didn’t and I am still here. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing anymore.

Today I called the doctor and schedule an appointment. I never wanted to make one because people don’t see how hard you’re fighting. They don’t see the big deal. “Get over it!” They say. “You’re just being a crybaby!” “Why do you always have to conplain” “Why are you in a bad mood?” .. I’ve heard it all. I just feel like I’m losing everything anymore. My relationship that once was beautiful is on rocks. Painfully sharp fucking rocks. I’m walking all over those rocks trying to find one that’s rounded and beautiful. One that’s safe to walk on and enjoy seeing. It crushes me thinking This is near the end of us.. the end of what’s matter for the last 7 years of knowing each other. I cant.. I can’t stomach it.

My anxiety keeps me worried all the time.. tears. Tears that I have to constantly hide. I just want my happiness back.. I want to save my relationship, to fix all the issues in my life.. I want to save my life!

Will It Ever Get Easier..?

 Lately my mood has just been down.. Its so hard for me to accept my miscarriage right now. By Family and friends im okay i guess.. putting on that show as if im not being ate up inside.. but honestly.. somethings wrong. Every night i have those dreams.. weather its a dream of me crying and letting someone know i lost my baby or something bad happening to a loved one. I feel like one second i can smile but the next i can just cry my eyes out. I thought my “friends” would be there for me through it all.. i was wrong. Instead i get ” thousands of people go through that sooo” She didnt care.. She doesnt understand.. she doesnt get that my baby had a heartbeat but just earned his or her wings a little earlier than expected. Im terrified to try again but at the same time i just want to try again immediatey to try and fill that empty hole inside me. From family and Friends lately.. so many new babies being brought into the world. And i lost mine. Its not fair.. That was my first Angel. My baby was developed.. I seen those little arms and those little legs. Why did you put me through this god?! why? Youre breaking me down so bad lately and i just wanna feel normal again. I wanna be happy.. but you took that from me! You took my happiness away from me.  I would have almost been 4  months today.. Soon to be learning the sex.. But no.  Not anymore. I feel so ugly.. Like why did you chose me to lose my baby. I just cant.. I cant accept it. I dont know how to trust you again god.. “He gives struggles to those who can handle them” .. Im not strong enough for this. None of this. Maybe my child should have been here instead.. You didnt even give them a chance. Instead you ended their life and took part of me with it!

I Wanna Be With My Angel..

  
These past couple days have been so hard. So hard understanding .. It’s been two weeks since the ER visit and everyday has been like hell. There’s times I smile and laugh but at the end of the moment it’s the same heart wrenching sadness that sweeps in and crushes my insides. I look at my fiancé and just see the sadness .. He’s trying so hard to be strong , yet both of us just wish we could have our little baby back.  Tomorrow I go to schedule my D & C  and I’m not ready for that. I’m so sad and scared at times I just wish I could hold my little angel in my arms and watch him or her grow.  God I pray  this gets easier. I know that our bond as a couple has grown but my heart has been broken.. 

My Miscarriage Story

Awhile back i wrote you guys the news saying me and my fiance were expecting our very first child. Brought to us by complete surprise but we were excited and couldn’t be more eager to see our little sunshine grow. Weeks later i was woken to pain right below my rib, i didnt  think much of it but it was extreme and i knew it couldn’t be a good thing. I never expected it to mean something was wrong with my baby. My fiance drove us to the er where we checked in and they took us back immediately. We did some blood work and i was beginning to feel fine.. never once started having cramps or any blood. So miscarriage was the last thing on my mind. A little later, they took me back for an ultrasound. They said they couldn’t show me anything or tell me anything untill the doctor reads and looks over everything. So after the ultrasound they took me back to my room and the waiting begins. my fiance looks to me and asks how everything was, I told him we don’t know yet. time passes and we get eager and impatient.. Whats taking so long? About 45 minutes pass and my doctor finally comes in. He pulls up a chair and i grab my fiance hand. I said ” so how were things? Is my baby okay??” I expected to hear a yes.. But instead my life took a turn for the worst. He told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I feel like someone just took everything from me. I couldn’t talk and it hurt to breath. Seems unreal because days before i just seen our little baby moving and with a strong healthy heartbeat. I just don’t understand what happened. Makes me so pissed at god for giving me a baby and taking it away from me.. How could he hurt me like that?! No person should have to go through that. Ive never felt so sad and broken in my entire life. Its just not fair! Thats my baby! Mine! why did he take it away from me..? Its just not fair..

Rest In Peace

Its a face i’ve known for just a few months, a voice I could remember with the same words, the same priceless look as he waits for his order. His daily order of his coffees. First few months it was just the normal ” good morning sir” while he states his order. As time went on I began to notice the occasional smile of him opening up. I always thought he didn’t care for me because I never got a smile and he never said anything. But he finally smiled and I knew I was wrong. He smiled and spoke in Spanish what were the words ” you have such a beautiful smile”. I thanked him. And he asked if if I knew Spanish, My response was ” a little but its not enough” and he told me it was never to late to learn. That was the first real conversation I had with him after waiting on him for about 6 months now. He comes in everyday with the same coffee order and always looks at me with a little smirk. Thanksgiving fell on a Thursday this year, I was off that day so I wasn’t going to see any of my customers until the following week. I made sure and wish them a happy thanksgiving and some promised to tell me about them when I returned to work on Monday. But on that sunday morning after thanksgiving he passed away. I never got to hear about how his holiday went. I never knew something was wrong. All I knew was there was something behind that smile of his. He was kind hearted and a very nice man. Polite but may come off as a little harsh from being such a silent man. I walk into work now, with an empty seat by the back window, knowing I wont see him sitting there drinking is coffee throughout the day. Its crazy to me how you can go from not knowing a person at all and then see them everyday for just about 5 minutes and you begin to grow a connection. you don’t mean to but it just happens. Heaven gained an angel. And while time goes on may he rest in peace. R.I.P ❤