I don’t get it. Fine one moment.. Then burning skin, fast pulse and aching chest the next. Doesn’t take much for the start of an anxiety attack. Doesn’t take much at all. But why? What causes it? I would like to know. I would like to know, that when I lay down at night I can cuddle up to my husband ( yes I haven’t wrote in awhile.. but yes I am married now) and enjoy it. But lately he falls asleep and I lay there waiting for the attack to be over. Silently crying so I don’t wake him up.. but hoping he does at the same time so he can just hold me. I want him to hold me tight enough to were it pushes all the darkness away. But, I wait. Wait for the end. Wait till I finally fall asleep. Wait till it’s finally over. Then I go about my day and wait to do it all over again the flowing night. Till then, right?
No one, and I mean no one choses to have a mental illness and be Debby downer. I hate even calling it a mental illness. But that’s exactly what it is. A fucking mental illness. Anxiety and depression because you’re fighting a battle with your own mind. I hope it’s only a phase and will soon perish away. Part of me remembers how I would have small moments as a child, all throughout my adolencene and now as a young adult. So maybe, it was always there. Just hidden. Waiting for the perfect time to strike.
And of course, it makes you feel like you can’t explain it to anyone. They don’t get it, they don’t understand the height of what you’re feeling, what you’re going through. So you sit in silence. Not really knowing what’s next just wishing someone would be able to help. Or something. Busy moments keep my mind occupied. But as you see I’m back to writing on here.. Which hasn’t been done in about a year. But, they say… the greatest pieces of writing come from the pain or emotion from deep inside. Not like many read these damn things anyways. So pretty much like an online diary I guess. Till next time i guess..