Crushed

I can not begin to explain the toll my life has taken on me since I stopped writing. Most definitely not for the better. I stopped my anxiety and depression medication and that hasn’t helped at all. But without insurance you don’t really have a choice in this society unless you have money to spend on your health. Fuck my health when my mind is my worst enemy.

They days get longer. I can’t sleep. Constant nightmares. It’s been two months since my life took an unexpected turn. Two months and some days. I think about that moment 24/7. As if I’m stuck in a time machine that won’t go forward. I’m not healing. I’m not getting worse. I’m haunted. Haunted if the simple fact that everything is ruined. That everything I cherish(ed) has zero significant meaning. That moment my heart dropped 10 thousand feet and a knife went straight through my heart. I feel that daily. I’m stuck in the moment.

At some point maybe I’ll be able to talk about it but untill then it stays eating me up inside. Eats my up inside while everyone around me questions my silence. “I’m fine” I’ll be fine when my heart takes its last beat. Till then I stay stuck in the utter moment of pure agony putting on a show for those near and dear. It’s been about 10 months since my last post. Welcome me back bitches.

I’ve wanted to give up so many times..

It’s no fun when your mind is your worst enemy. Sucks when you not only have depression, but anxiety as well. “Depression is not caring at all. Anxiety is caring too much. And having both, is a living hell” . It sucks.. It fucking sucks.

They both make you feel so low. So pointless. Makes you wonder why your still even here at times. This past week I’ve thought about suicide more often than not. My chest was so heavy I just wanted it to cave in.. but it didn’t and I am still here. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing anymore.

Today I called the doctor and schedule an appointment. I never wanted to make one because people don’t see how hard you’re fighting. They don’t see the big deal. “Get over it!” They say. “You’re just being a crybaby!” “Why do you always have to conplain” “Why are you in a bad mood?” .. I’ve heard it all. I just feel like I’m losing everything anymore. My relationship that once was beautiful is on rocks. Painfully sharp fucking rocks. I’m walking all over those rocks trying to find one that’s rounded and beautiful. One that’s safe to walk on and enjoy seeing. It crushes me thinking This is near the end of us.. the end of what’s matter for the last 7 years of knowing each other. I cant.. I can’t stomach it.

My anxiety keeps me worried all the time.. tears. Tears that I have to constantly hide. I just want my happiness back.. I want to save my relationship, to fix all the issues in my life.. I want to save my life!

One Thousand Pounds Lying On My Chest.

How do you know when it’s time to stop fighting ? To give up. To let go. To stop. How do you know when it’s time to stop trying, to stop holding on to what was. When your chest is heavy as could be, and you eyes burn from all the tears, your head is pounding from silent cries that are constantly hidden. Hidden because you feel like a burden. Hidden from reality. Hidden from you.. how do you know when there is still a chance. A chance of survival.. something so beautifully amazing now stands dark and alone. Waiting for the curtain to open and shine the light again so that you could see what is truly there waiting to be seen!! How do you walk away from something that was everything to you at one point. How do you let go. They tell me to follow my heart .. How do you follow something that’s broken in a million pieces. How do you know which piece to follow?! My mind is scatteredd while my heart feels shattered. This thing called life is over rated today. I can’t fucking breath.

Can’t seem to shake this feeling.

I don’t get it. Fine one moment.. Then burning skin, fast pulse and aching chest the next. Doesn’t take much for the start of an anxiety attack. Doesn’t take much at all. But why? What causes it? I would like to know. I would like to know, that when I lay down at night I can cuddle up to my husband ( yes I haven’t wrote in awhile.. but yes I am married now) and enjoy it. But lately he falls asleep and I lay there waiting for the attack to be over. Silently crying so I don’t wake him up.. but hoping he does at the same time so he can just hold me. I want him to hold me tight enough to were it pushes all the darkness away. But, I wait. Wait for the end. Wait till I finally fall asleep. Wait till it’s finally over. Then I go about my day and wait to do it all over again the flowing night. Till then, right? 

   No one, and I mean no one choses to have a mental illness and be Debby downer.  I hate even calling it a mental illness. But that’s exactly what it is. A fucking mental illness. Anxiety and depression because you’re fighting a battle with your own mind. I hope it’s only a phase and will soon perish away. Part of me remembers how I would have small moments as a child, all throughout my adolencene and now as a young adult. So maybe, it was always there. Just hidden. Waiting for the perfect time to strike. 

   And of course, it makes you feel like you can’t explain it to anyone. They don’t get it, they don’t understand the height of what you’re feeling, what you’re going through.  So you sit in silence. Not really knowing what’s next just wishing someone would be able to help. Or something. Busy moments keep my mind occupied. But as you see I’m back to writing on here.. Which hasn’t been done in about a year. But,  they say… the greatest pieces of writing come from the pain or emotion from deep inside. Not like many read these damn things anyways.  So pretty much like an online diary I guess. Till next time i guess..

I’ve noticed you..

I watch you as you pull up my driveway.. I trace my eyes around you as trying to love every loving second I have with you. Because at times.. I’m afraid I’m on a time clock and a some point it’s going to be me having to punch out. I watch your brown eyes as you meet my appearance and smile at me.. Enjoying every smile as if maybe some point I won’t be seeing them anymore. Thoughts that I want to keep writing about .. But afraid to put it in words because what if I’m right .. Deathly afraid to think I’m right. Always hoping I’m wrong but what can I do. Going on four years with the person I grew into a woman with. Once a kid in school to now an adult.. I’ve learned so many things from you.. So many memories. I’m connected. Connected to you. I worry about small things because what if.. What if something happens. What if something goes wrong.. You say things are fine but not with much reassurance due to the among of stress building up with the purchase of our first home together. Should I stop worrying..? Should I calm down my thoughts and think less. I hate the constant what ifs running threw my head .. I’ve never had to worry bout another female.. But now you have a female partner .. She’s ten years older but some females could care less about age and still try to make a move. Regardless. I’m a female and I have a jealous side.. But what’s mine is mine and I will worry about keeping what’s mine. MINE. I need to trust you. I have to. But part of me doesn’t . You’ve never given me a reason NOT to trust you. But I’ve never dealt with this.. Because all that comes my way is bad fibes lately. Tearing me up inside as if I tiger has found its pray. I wanna be happy. I wanna not worry. But how. I’m stressed.your stressed. We have so much going on its insane. We’re busy. We’re drifting … Like a rose pettle hit by the wind.. Once as beautiful as can be.. Peddls slowly fall off and the rose loses its beauty.. The stress is pushing us away from each other and as so many quotes say ” real relationships get through it “. We’re buying a house .. A HUGEEEEEE step for us. So why am I so worried..? I just pray I’m “tripping” .. May god hear my cries and let me know everything with everyone and everything will be okay .. Because my goodness. This stress is so damn heavy.. It’s hard to breath. I wish he wasn’t such a guy smetimes and that he would understand. Guys are guys.. He’s my guy and he means more to me than I ever realized.. 

Never feeling Beautiful like I once felt

 

Not good enough. I dont feel beautiful. I dont feel pretty. So much ugly inside in out it drives me crazy. Memories haunt me. Feelings of what, surround me. I feel like im going crazy inside four walls that seem to be drawing nearer. Space gets crowded. My heart races as if theres somehow going to be a way out of this mind that yells those thoughts at me. Fear. Memories. Thoughts. Emotions. Its a whole new feeling. I feel as if ive been dropped from the top of a mountain and its too much to climb back up because i have no boost to help me. with quick sand below me.. i just get dragged deeper. Dragged deeper into whatever thoughts, emotions and fear decided to haunt me.

Early morning post..

  
Majority of the time I’ll write and post immediately. Today is a different case. I’m currently writing on my iPhone 6 Plus’ note pad because I’m at work and sitting in the basement till my shifts starts. Which means not the greatest service seeing this place is the size of a castle. It’s crazy how big this building is. I only work in one section , assisted living. And there’s so many other parts that I haven’t even explored yet. Which by all means I don’t mind to be honest. So two days ago I went and got three fillings done in my teeth. I was surprised to find out that I , of all people, had 3 cavities. But after two shots , a little bit of drilling and a very disgusting taste from whatever liquid was in my mouth, I now have none. My mouth is so sore tho. And come to think tomorrow I’m gonna get all four of my impacted wisdoms taken out. Am I crazy or what? Pfft. I must be. Cause when it comes to dentist and doctors I’m a chicken-shit. I feel like I’ve seen the dentist and the doctor more than I have in the past 8 months than I have in the past 8 years. But I mean, that’s what happens when you go without insurance for so long. Who knows how long I’m going to have insurance now but I figured I should use the most of it while I have it. Earlier this month I made a vision appointment because my migraines are so bad and effects my eyes and guess who needs glasses .. Lol this gal. No lie I’m kinda nervous because I don’t wanna look “nerdy” . You can only hope for so much lol. Hopefully I can get this posted when I clock in cause I don’t wanna post it extra late. Lol wish me luck guys and have a blessed day!

Edit: Posted Immediatly. 

The addiction that comes with being in love with you.

Have you ever had a connection with someone, like no other? No other person in this world could compare to the connection that you share with that one person. That everything you’ve known and cared for now has some part of that person apart of it. Everything reminds you of that person. You can look at anything and have a memeory of something that was said or done, regarding that person. 

When being with one person for years knowing you’re no longer two people , but one that has grown together. Seeing each other in the best times and the worst times. Knowing the good details and the bad. Knowing that just by breath if something was wrong. Watching them as if you just met them . Watching them as if tomorrow was never promised and sod thing could change in a split second. Cherishing the oh so strong love that has been built between the two. 

Love that burns deep inside as if it’s addiction. Addiction to what. Them. That the small thought of losing them breaks parts inside of you , you could never be able to explain. It’s the burning addiction inside that feels amazing when you’re with them. That nothing in this world would be able to change that feeling while them being right there. 

Being in love you realize to put others before yourself at times. Because you want to make sure that person has what they need at all times. Even if at times you try and can’t give it to them. 

The part of love that comes with the good.. The bad. There is always going to be arguments . Some more serious than others. Some will be stupid and worthless to fight about. Some will be just because someone had a bad day. Or about something that usually doesn’t bother a person but on this certain day it was just something they couldn’t stand. 

But with love. So much follows. They didn’t tell you that in the Disney fairy tales now did they? It’s not always going to be a ray of sunshine. There will be times of ugly and that’s what decifers if your love is true. Being able to get past every ugly part ! Loving them unconditionally because you know without them, you’ve lost so much. 

Love isn’t just about being between the sheets , even though that part is so amazing. The strength a persons single touch that has effect on all the nerves and every inch of skin that causes your body to tense and relax. The way that two body can go from two separate beings to being intertwined as one. The way that the arousal the other person has on you, is something you crave. You can’t get enough. It will never be enough because you’re always going to crave more. More of the arousal. More of them. 

Love everlasting. Because how true love works.. It doesn’t end. It grows stronger with time. Like a blue and red tulip in the spring. We were once a bud that has not yet shown its beauty .. Till early spring comes and the bud opens up and you see the true beauty that’s been hiding and growing inside the entire time. 

April 1st !

  
April 1st is here already.. Otherwise known as April fools day. I wonder who came up with that. Wouldn’t take much to hop on google and find out but I rather it stay “spontaneous” lol. Anyways today is a new month .. A new day and also a NEW ROUND of the 21 day fix. My second round I did NOT complete. I can make a million excuses as to why. But I just didn’t complete it. Taking on a second job made me tired and I just wanted to relax after .. Not workout. Laziness ! There’s so many people that have more going on than me and they still find time . That being said you have to WANT this. 24/7. You can’t want it when you have the most energy! You have to want it when you’ve had the worst day.. When you craving greasy fatty foods that will block your system. You have to ALWAYS want it ! I love beachbody products! It’s the only thing that I’ve seen work on my body type. They’re amazing. I’m contemplating on becoming a beachbody coach because I enjoy helping others so much. My coach is amazing! And without her and her challenge groups I wouldn’t feel as excited about things as I do. She taught me that it’s more than just a workout. It’s a lifestyle change. Before when I would try to lose weight I would starve myself.. Literally. I would drink only water and stop eating. It messed up my stomach bad. Because I wasn’t eating I always had an upset stomach and my shit was never solid . TMI I know. Others ways of my type of dieting were , stopping every sweet. No salt and nothing “bad” which pretty much knocked out everything.. Once again. I was miserable because I was still hungry. But with beachbody I can still eat.. I can eat anything.. Just portion it and meal prep. And when you do that BAM!! Results! I fell off my little wagon last month and being that today is the first I felt I could try again. If you have any questions or concerns about beachbody or anything email me at . : chevellechambers73@yahoo.com . 

My current craving

  

So I’ve realized that I’m at the point in my life where I feel like I’m too old to be broke and too young to have my shit together. 19 years old with a few months shy of 20. I feel like I should have a few more thousand in my bank account but then I think I’m still doing pretty good for my age. The last time I wrote I was telling you how I wanted a second job. Well now I want a third job. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what’s Happening. I’m just not satisfied at the moment. Haha😂 the joy of money is insane. I will never let money describe me as a person nor will I let it take over me. Buts it’s an urge to have .. It’s like an adrenaline rush that gets your heart going nuts over.