I’ve wanted to give up so many times..

It’s no fun when your mind is your worst enemy. Sucks when you not only have depression, but anxiety as well. “Depression is not caring at all. Anxiety is caring too much. And having both, is a living hell” . It sucks.. It fucking sucks.

They both make you feel so low. So pointless. Makes you wonder why your still even here at times. This past week I’ve thought about suicide more often than not. My chest was so heavy I just wanted it to cave in.. but it didn’t and I am still here. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing anymore.

Today I called the doctor and schedule an appointment. I never wanted to make one because people don’t see how hard you’re fighting. They don’t see the big deal. “Get over it!” They say. “You’re just being a crybaby!” “Why do you always have to conplain” “Why are you in a bad mood?” .. I’ve heard it all. I just feel like I’m losing everything anymore. My relationship that once was beautiful is on rocks. Painfully sharp fucking rocks. I’m walking all over those rocks trying to find one that’s rounded and beautiful. One that’s safe to walk on and enjoy seeing. It crushes me thinking This is near the end of us.. the end of what’s matter for the last 7 years of knowing each other. I cant.. I can’t stomach it.

My anxiety keeps me worried all the time.. tears. Tears that I have to constantly hide. I just want my happiness back.. I want to save my relationship, to fix all the issues in my life.. I want to save my life!

Suicide

Suicide Is a very emotional and touchy subject if not for most than for all. Everyone has different views and opinions upon the topic of suicide. I write today because a few months ago I little boy, at the age of 12 committed suicide and just  two days ago, yet another life was taken. Its a shame than some people feel so low that they see no hope at all in life. no hope on anything looking up for them in the future. Before I go on explaining, I must state this is not to offend anyone. Just keep a open mind when reading futher. Suicide is selfish. Suicide is cowardly. The person though is, brave because it takes guts to think thoroughly about how youre  going to die. to think about every tiny detail and be okay with knowing the outcome. I couldn’t do it. Im not ready nor can let myself understand death completely. I still have too many questions and things I need to do. we all have our down days but even on my lowest days I cant undertand it. I said suicide is selfish and cowardly because that person is only thinking about themselves. They aren’t thinking about the next person. They aren’t thinking about how it will effect those around them.

Suicide 2014

A young girl is going home from school one day knowing exactly what she wants to do. She has no one. Feels hopeless on life and just wants all her hurt and pain to go away. She walks alone, not surprised that no one walked with her. Her head hangs low as she walks along train tracks. No person in sight she keeps walking, she keeps waiting. Tall weeds and grass

surround’s her, making the scene secluded from the world around her. she starts crying as she sees the train in the distance. she understand what she now has to do. so she keeps walking, she keeps waiting.. no ones there to stop her. She walks in the middle of the tracks as the train becomes near. The bright light shining on her growing bigger as every second passes it gets closer. The driver sees her and starts blowing the horn. She’s crying and keeps walking, keeps waiting. He blows the horn repeatedly, yelling move, she keeps walking and she keeps waiting. the trains breaks squeak as they try to stop. He knows I wont stop in time so he keeps on that horn and keeps yelling, hoping and praying she’ll move.The train gets closer as she looks up in time to come face to face with death. She feeling no more pain, No more hurt and anger, Her body all over the tracks. That guy stands hopelessly strafing ahead knowing beneath the train is a young girls body. He knows what just happened and blames himself for not being able to stop in time. police come to the scene , gathering all the pieces they can find. They are now effected with her death, the person to go to the girls house and tell them their baby girl is no longer with them. they are now effected. The kids at school are effected. friends, family, neighbors. they are effected.

Many people are effected in a single persons suicide. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, talk to them and get them help. get the help that you need. suicide is not nor will ever be the answer. Rest easy to those whom have passed.