I’ve wanted to give up so many times..

It’s no fun when your mind is your worst enemy. Sucks when you not only have depression, but anxiety as well. “Depression is not caring at all. Anxiety is caring too much. And having both, is a living hell” . It sucks.. It fucking sucks.

They both make you feel so low. So pointless. Makes you wonder why your still even here at times. This past week I’ve thought about suicide more often than not. My chest was so heavy I just wanted it to cave in.. but it didn’t and I am still here. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing anymore.

Today I called the doctor and schedule an appointment. I never wanted to make one because people don’t see how hard you’re fighting. They don’t see the big deal. “Get over it!” They say. “You’re just being a crybaby!” “Why do you always have to conplain” “Why are you in a bad mood?” .. I’ve heard it all. I just feel like I’m losing everything anymore. My relationship that once was beautiful is on rocks. Painfully sharp fucking rocks. I’m walking all over those rocks trying to find one that’s rounded and beautiful. One that’s safe to walk on and enjoy seeing. It crushes me thinking This is near the end of us.. the end of what’s matter for the last 7 years of knowing each other. I cant.. I can’t stomach it.

My anxiety keeps me worried all the time.. tears. Tears that I have to constantly hide. I just want my happiness back.. I want to save my relationship, to fix all the issues in my life.. I want to save my life!

Im Gonna’ Be A Mommy..

Hey guys, Its been a couple months since ive wrote anything i know.. im sorry that i havent been here. There are a couple things that are new. Back in june I started my STNA classes.. started june 29..i passed with merit role. a few points shy of honors, but i still did it. my graduation is wednesday July 29th, 2015. Im nervous because not only is it graduation..but its a life changing moment and because im a speaker at the gradution for my class. During my clinicals last week, i couldnt stop throwing up, i thought it was just from somthing i ate or medication that i had taken. ( i was attacked by bees and was on antibotics and a steriod) but even on the days i didnt take it i was becoming sick. So saturday, july 25, i took a pregnancy test. I was scared shitless when i see two lines, one slightly faded than the other. I didnt believe it at first and so i took 10 more tests between saturday evening and sunday, they all came back postive. I was so nervous and i didnt know how to tell my fiance because this was somthing completly new to us both. Its nerveracking. I let him know that there was something i needed to tell him before the day was over, and we agreed to go for a walk at one of the metro parks. we walked for a little while and i asked him if we could go sit on the bench. It was a bench high up on a hill because at the bottom was a little river. it was a beautiful scene, no doubt in my mind. We sat and we talked for awhile and i told him to close his eyes and hold out his hand.. I handed him a sandwhich baggy with a few tests inside it. I placed his other hand on my belly and i started crying. At first he didnt think it was real and i dont blame him. it was unexpected. he turned and looked at me and told me its gonna be hard but no matter what he will give his all for us. We both have alot to learn in the next 9 months for this little baby, its our first baby, the start of our little family. im excited and scared but it will all be worth it in the end. i know that no matter what hes going to be an amazing father to our baby. our baby.. makes me smile because im now going to be a mom. I didnt imagine becoming a mom so young but i know i can do it. Thank you all for reading, ill try my best to keep you guys updated. 🙂