Will It Ever Get Easier..?

 Lately my mood has just been down.. Its so hard for me to accept my miscarriage right now. By Family and friends im okay i guess.. putting on that show as if im not being ate up inside.. but honestly.. somethings wrong. Every night i have those dreams.. weather its a dream of me crying and letting someone know i lost my baby or something bad happening to a loved one. I feel like one second i can smile but the next i can just cry my eyes out. I thought my “friends” would be there for me through it all.. i was wrong. Instead i get ” thousands of people go through that sooo” She didnt care.. She doesnt understand.. she doesnt get that my baby had a heartbeat but just earned his or her wings a little earlier than expected. Im terrified to try again but at the same time i just want to try again immediatey to try and fill that empty hole inside me. From family and Friends lately.. so many new babies being brought into the world. And i lost mine. Its not fair.. That was my first Angel. My baby was developed.. I seen those little arms and those little legs. Why did you put me through this god?! why? Youre breaking me down so bad lately and i just wanna feel normal again. I wanna be happy.. but you took that from me! You took my happiness away from me.  I would have almost been 4  months today.. Soon to be learning the sex.. But no.  Not anymore. I feel so ugly.. Like why did you chose me to lose my baby. I just cant.. I cant accept it. I dont know how to trust you again god.. “He gives struggles to those who can handle them” .. Im not strong enough for this. None of this. Maybe my child should have been here instead.. You didnt even give them a chance. Instead you ended their life and took part of me with it!

I Wanna Be With My Angel..

  
These past couple days have been so hard. So hard understanding .. It’s been two weeks since the ER visit and everyday has been like hell. There’s times I smile and laugh but at the end of the moment it’s the same heart wrenching sadness that sweeps in and crushes my insides. I look at my fiancé and just see the sadness .. He’s trying so hard to be strong , yet both of us just wish we could have our little baby back.  Tomorrow I go to schedule my D & C  and I’m not ready for that. I’m so sad and scared at times I just wish I could hold my little angel in my arms and watch him or her grow.  God I pray  this gets easier. I know that our bond as a couple has grown but my heart has been broken.. 

My Miscarriage Story

Awhile back i wrote you guys the news saying me and my fiance were expecting our very first child. Brought to us by complete surprise but we were excited and couldn’t be more eager to see our little sunshine grow. Weeks later i was woken to pain right below my rib, i didnt  think much of it but it was extreme and i knew it couldn’t be a good thing. I never expected it to mean something was wrong with my baby. My fiance drove us to the er where we checked in and they took us back immediately. We did some blood work and i was beginning to feel fine.. never once started having cramps or any blood. So miscarriage was the last thing on my mind. A little later, they took me back for an ultrasound. They said they couldn’t show me anything or tell me anything untill the doctor reads and looks over everything. So after the ultrasound they took me back to my room and the waiting begins. my fiance looks to me and asks how everything was, I told him we don’t know yet. time passes and we get eager and impatient.. Whats taking so long? About 45 minutes pass and my doctor finally comes in. He pulls up a chair and i grab my fiance hand. I said ” so how were things? Is my baby okay??” I expected to hear a yes.. But instead my life took a turn for the worst. He told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I feel like someone just took everything from me. I couldn’t talk and it hurt to breath. Seems unreal because days before i just seen our little baby moving and with a strong healthy heartbeat. I just don’t understand what happened. Makes me so pissed at god for giving me a baby and taking it away from me.. How could he hurt me like that?! No person should have to go through that. Ive never felt so sad and broken in my entire life. Its just not fair! Thats my baby! Mine! why did he take it away from me..? Its just not fair..