Mixed up !

I have been dying to write a post this morning .. Just so much is going through my head. Where to begin where to begin.. I’ll start with the dentist .. Okay so after my shift I called. I told them everything that was going on and they got me in immediately , which took me by surprise Untill I got there .. The place was empty. Just me and the receptionists in the room. I was surprised because that place is usually packed with every seat taken. So five or so minutes after I got there my dentist called me back and literally opened my mouth and looked and within 30 seconds of me sitting down and said “nope you’re good” . He said all I’m feeling is trauma to that side of my mouth. He gave me this tool that I can clean out the holes with invade food gets stuck inside. I just hope everything really is going the way it should be. Moving on .. So lately I’ve been thinking about getting a second job. But really the job I have now is only four hours which to me doesn’t even feel like much. The place I work at is absolutely amazing.. The people are great , the residents are great. The department I’m in , I really love. But what really sucks is my position. Four hours ! Which means 40 hours on my biweekly check. It’s holding me back. I love my job but the position sucks. I’m caught between staying here and having a full time second shift job or quitting the job and because able to get that first shift position that I love in another facility. I hate second shift but my four hour pay isn’t enough so I feel like I have no choice but to get a second job. I just wish I knew what to do because I hate the fact that I had 3 jobs is 2015. (Including the place I’m currently at) I hate switching jobs. I don’t want to keep switching jobs .. I just want to find a job and stick with it. After my shift yesterday I filled out an application .. Same department and everything just different facility and about 45 minutes later , the woman called me and sat up an interview for today at noon. I wish I knew what was right but I’m just going to see what they have to offer me . That’s the only good thing that I can do anyways right ? *sigh* goodness goodness goodness. It’s just crazy. Apparently I must have a lot on my mind or something because I had the scariest dream.. What made it even worse is I woke up in my dream but I couldn’t wake myself up for real. I was in a war zone . It was my hometown , normal day and then everything changed. It was today’s war zone but everyone was being tortured like a nazi camp. I was so scared in my dream I could just feel the pain from the dream. I woke up and felt like shit. I got some water and took something for a pounding migraine I woke up with and tried to go back to sleep. I’ve never been so scared from a dream like that. I thank all the soldiers for their service but I couldn’t do that. I’d freeze up and get myself killed. They are just so brave. Takes more than bravery to be able to do what they do.  

Road to where ?

  
To this on my way to an appt the other day. As beautiful as life can get it sure has some hideous moments. Lately things have been on the crazy side.. I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot and people keep saying “get over it ” that’s not something that you can just get over. I just can’t. At some point it won’t be as hard but for now.. It’s still a new wound. 

I’m Getting A Root Canal Today

  
Good lord. I am so nervous. I don’t like dentist or doctors. And I don’t like people messing around in my mouth. Early last year my tooth chipped at work.. And a few months later I was chewing gum and it chipped again. It’s my last molar (outside of my wisdoms ) and I pretty much have half a tooth left and it’s sharp and always cutting my tougne. So I went to the dentist and they said we can do a root canal when I was looking more to just pulling the tooth out. But they kept pushing towards a root canal so I guess that’s what I’m gonna do here soon.. Am I nervous ? Hell yeah! Everyone’s at work today and today’s my off day.. So guess whose going alone ?! This girl. Have any of you gotten a root canal? Let me know cause I’m scared ! Lol wish me luck guys . 

Round 2 of the 21 Day Fix Starts Today!

  
So today was my first day of round TWO! It was awesome . Just like the first round was pretty awesome too. With Beachbodys 21 day fix its not like any other diet out there .. You actually get to eat. You just portion everything and drink tons of water. I don’t mind because it really does work. All my life I felt that I struggled with my weight. Even when I played sports I was never satisfied . Maybe I was just to hard on my self . I was never made fun of in school or at home.. I just didn’t approve of the way I looked. Most people say at some point they were bullied and so they emotionally ate. That’s not nor was , me. I would just eat too much in one sitting and the food wasn’t always the greatest. I’ve changed all that. Esp with quitting fast food back in the summer time it’s a lot easier now that I’m not constantly around the processed foods and stuff. I feel so much more healthier than I did a few months ago. It’s great. This is the only diet that I’ve seen that really does help me. May not help everyone because everyone is different . But it’s the only one that’s helped me. And besides its personalized to help you. Through everything I’ve taught myself to never give up. Because if you’re tired of starting over , stop quitting ! 

Will It Ever Get Easier..?

 Lately my mood has just been down.. Its so hard for me to accept my miscarriage right now. By Family and friends im okay i guess.. putting on that show as if im not being ate up inside.. but honestly.. somethings wrong. Every night i have those dreams.. weather its a dream of me crying and letting someone know i lost my baby or something bad happening to a loved one. I feel like one second i can smile but the next i can just cry my eyes out. I thought my “friends” would be there for me through it all.. i was wrong. Instead i get ” thousands of people go through that sooo” She didnt care.. She doesnt understand.. she doesnt get that my baby had a heartbeat but just earned his or her wings a little earlier than expected. Im terrified to try again but at the same time i just want to try again immediatey to try and fill that empty hole inside me. From family and Friends lately.. so many new babies being brought into the world. And i lost mine. Its not fair.. That was my first Angel. My baby was developed.. I seen those little arms and those little legs. Why did you put me through this god?! why? Youre breaking me down so bad lately and i just wanna feel normal again. I wanna be happy.. but you took that from me! You took my happiness away from me.  I would have almost been 4  months today.. Soon to be learning the sex.. But no.  Not anymore. I feel so ugly.. Like why did you chose me to lose my baby. I just cant.. I cant accept it. I dont know how to trust you again god.. “He gives struggles to those who can handle them” .. Im not strong enough for this. None of this. Maybe my child should have been here instead.. You didnt even give them a chance. Instead you ended their life and took part of me with it!

I Feel Huge Anymore

  Before I start , let me say I’m not affiliated with McDonald’s in any way. All that “good” stuff so I don’t sued over this. Lol. Okay anyways.. If someone for one second believes that McDonald’s is healthy.. You’re wrong. No matter what I ate , including those salads with the low fat dressings, still unhealthy. I’ve worked for them for almost 2 years. Would you like to know how much I’ve gained ?… I don’t think you’re ready for this.. Alright alright I’ll tell ya… 25 pounds..! That’s right . That’s disgusting .. 25 pounds from May 2014 to now Working at McDonald’s , you get free food and they give you coupons so when your not working you still got discounted food , super cheap. You guys are prolly saying “well that’s on you.. You didn’t have to eat the food” before working at McDonalds I rarely ate fast food.. And when I did I had a Mcchicken or something small. After working 8-12 hours shifts , you don’t wanna go home and cook a full meal. So you take the easy way out and just get the FREE food that’s offered. Seems easier and cheaper. Whenever I would eat the food I would lose all my energy and feel drained. I would go home once I got off,take a shower and before I could even get dressed I’d be knocked out in my bed.  The Days my fiancé was there after work I’m sure he didn’t mind but that’s  beside the point 😉 . Before I worked there I was still “chubby” but not in a nasty way.. Now I feel digusting but that’s prolly cause I’m not used to being so “big” . And once I became pregnant I gained 5 pounds and had that bloat belly. So my shirts started feeling different . Just the other day I let my job know that I’ll no longer be working for them. So as of right now I can start on my journey for a healthier and more active me. So once I have my first full term pregnancy.. I can watch the baby grow inside me. 🙂